Travel You
by Anonymicious
Summary: I want to travel you. All of you. Every inch of your sickly skin. I want to trace your veins with my fingers and follow every path of you. Every road. Every ocean. Every part. I just wanted to die with you. Inside of you. Just with you... And I did. (2DXMurdoc) Brooding. Blood. Love. Tears. Death. That's what I have to say...


**Travel you**

**AN: 2D'S point of view. One shot. Was bored. Felt like writing sad things. Have fun :)**

I want to travel you.

_All_ of you. Every inch of your sickly skin. I want to trace your veins with my fingers and follow every path of you. Every road. Every ocean. Every part.

I only now let myself have the courage to admit it.

Except... I've _always _ known... For twelve years... I've watched you secretly. I've watched you burn yourself down, and build yourself up again, and I've watched the invisible scars mark your insides like I could see right inside of you, and in a sort of way, I can. And I've had this power for twelve fucking years...

Twelve.

Twelve, have I wanted to travel you.

Explore you. Find you in every single way I can count, and I count those ways every morning when I wake to the sound of your yelling, your screeching. And it hurts, when I hear it, because that yelling comes into my ears, and it falls to the floor as little shards of the love that was never there, and that will never be there. Little shards of the years that I will never spend learning to work with you, to be the piece that fits so perfectly inside of you. But I don't fit. But I never will. But...

But I want to_ feel _you. _I Can't._

I want to breathe you in and let you stay. _I_ _Can't._

I want to hate you. Can't. Never ever. _I Can't._

I want to swim in your thoughts like you glide through mine. I want... I want you to know that I'm there. I want you to feel me needing you, and I want you to know. I wanted you to know. I wanted it to stop, it needed to be over, I couldn't take _myself._

I told you. I explained. I talked to you. I loved you, and I still do, and I whispered it to you with the storm and thunder that was my voice.

Still shaking. Still bleeding. Still crying. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I know you hate it when I cry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

But I had to cry because maybe it helps. Sorry for myself. Sorry sorry sorry for this fucking disgusting faggot creature living inside of me. Dirty, dirty thing... I want him to go away. But when I'm sorry for this thing, I forget that you hate me.

I forget that I even told you in the first place, and I forget that you said you hate me. I forget that you hurt me in every way. The ache, the loosening of my teeth when your fist made the taste of blood in my mouth. And I forget the bruises. The ones that matches my hair. The one that matches your heart. Your cold _cold_ rejecting heart, so cold and heavy with gin and brandy that I drowned in it.

And if you could have seen the look on your face in my eyes, you would have stepped back. I did. So twisted. So shocked, and paved with hatred. Made me kind of sick. And you did step back, but not because of you. Because you saw what finally crawled out of me. This ugly, greying puss that fell out of me called love, and you beat it to death, and you beat me to the same ugly life, and you kicked me, and hit, and kicked, and you smelled like scotch and cigarettes, and I loved every gust of that scent that hit my spilling nostrils.

You kicked, and you kicked, and you killed, and you killed, and you killed, and you never saw the red light, so you never stopped.

Just kept speeding, and speeding, and laying me down with your insults, and your thrashing and hitting, and I only bleed for the barbed wire pleasure in your chest.

_You grease seeping little fag.. Don't you... don't you ever say anything like that to me... You don't love me... you can't... you don't... you..._

Do you want to know what the worst part is...

I'll tell you... if you want...

Do you... want to know... what the worst part is?

_I want to travel you_

I _still_ want to follow your roads, and sleep in your heart, and swim in your veins, and live in you for as long as you will let me. And I want to die in your heart, because maybe if I do, you'll soak up some of the kindness that I left behind.

I want to die with you.

_I just did. _

Close to two seconds ago. You don't know yet. You just watch me, and you breathe, and you pant, and you hate, and you hate, and you hate because that's all you know how to do. I wanted to die with you. And I did.

But not inside of your heart.

Here instead. Cold, here.

Yeah, it's cold, I should say. You know that feeling in the winter, when the frost cuddles your ears, and it sort of hurts? That's what I feel like. All over, though. I should have expected it though, because you're only warm when you _don't _die on the floor of a heat deprived engineering basement. When your blood _isn't _chilling into a pool of soon to be ice on the cold linoleum. Where the ocean still purrs, and the generator hums, and you breathe, and I don't.

And you know what else? Something sick and disgusting and unforgivable?

I _still _want to travel you. Trace you, hold you, fuck you, need you, love you, love you, love you...

You notice. You're a smart lad, and you notice. You breathe... and you stop. And you sink.

And you shake me like you shake your own existence. I still love you, do you know that? Such a fool. Such a dirty rotten piece of scum, and I deserved this, and I still need you.

Even when you scream in my ears, and your hand swipes across my cheek quicker than it took for the air to clear from my chest. You hit me again. I can't feel it. Do it as much as you want. You're pushing me down. Pushing my chest. Hitting my chest. Destroying my empty shell. I'm not there. Punch it and kick it like you are, go ahead.

Try to bring me back, why don't you?

_Wake up. It ain't funny, now... fucking get up. Please... PLEASE... FUCKING GET UP, STAND UP, PLEASE_

That's the problem with you.

You try to save me when I'm already empty. And never when I really needed to be saved.

You pant, and you yell, and you shout like a man who's just killed his only friend... Oh wait...

_GET, UP, YOU, LAZY, FUCK... PLEASE...PLEASE_

Just more blood, as you push and you hit... And you crack a rib. Did you know that? One of my ribs, clean, snapped in half, because you push so hard for that air to come back to me. It's not going to, and you've only broken another cage. A real one this time.

Than it happens. And I'd tell you what, because you already know. The first kiss.

Before I leave, we share our first kiss. Nothing like I'd imagined it. Not a kiss I could really be able to count. But our lips are swallowed together, and our seas combine, and you push and you push and you breathe and you breathe... You're still drunk, I can taste it on your tongue. Drunk when you took me away, and drunk still when you give me your air that I won't take.

_Wake up._ You tell me, you beg for me to wake up. You plead for me to _fucking wake up._ You're manic. completely manic. It hurts to see... I wish I could tell you how bad it hurts to see... Oh... You're crying.

Oh.

You're crying... Nothing large. No wailing, no whooping. But I can hear it in your voice, and I can see it in your glazing eyes. It glistens below them... You're crying. Still begging.

_Come back. Wakeup, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I'll be good, I promise, I'll... I'll never lay a hand on your head if you come back... I'll leave you alone, I swear, please, please..._

I've always wanted... to see tears in your eyes. To taste them, and watch my curiosity roll down your cheeks. I never wanted this. I never wanted to see it like this. That one red eye... just glistens with my pain, and with your pain, make it stop... _I'm _sorry. I'm sorry, now please stop.

Just don't. You know if I could, I would reach up and touch your eyes and clean them, because they're so beautiful to me, and I'd never ever want them this way. Please don't cry. I'll be alright, I'll just be alright somewhere else, not here... Just...

Just hold me like you are now. Like you squeeze me. Like you cry into my chest... I can hear you now, and I've never heard anything to ugly and beautiful at the same time...

_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... Wake up... I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

You dampen my shirt with the wet spill of twelve years gone dry. The last of you that I'll be feeling for a while now...

_I'm sorry... Please come home... I need you to stay... just fucking don't do this... I'm sorry..._

So...

And the ocean rolls and screams and crashes outside the windows as I inaudibly speak to you...

So... It took you twelve years.

Twelve.

Twelve years to hold me. Twelve years to kiss me, and be there for me... Twelve years to let our lips collide. Twelve years to cry for me.

And it took you twelve shit filled years for you to finally _apologize_ for those twelve shit filled years...

And you cry... and you say you're sorry, and you cry, and you cry, and you cry...

But do you want to know one more thing... A secret...

Don't tell anyone... It's just for you...

Lean into me, like you are. Maybe you'll hear.

I still want to travel you.

And I _forgive_ you.

And I love you.

I love you more than I can let myself be capable of loving you. And I guess you could say that I love you so much that I died.

And it's _okay_

_._I _forigve _you. You know why? Because If I can't forgive you, I can't forgive myself, because you are the air I breathed, and the life that I lived, and you will always be so. And for once, you tell me. You tell me, and you lean in close to my ear, and your breath is hot and shaken and mine.

_I love you, stu_

I love you too, Murdoc.

And I forgive you. And I want to travel you.

I still will.

I have to leave now... But I'll still travel you, and I'll make a map of your heart, and every day I will study that map, and someday I will get to use it. And I leave... And I drift away...

And you'll grow old, and you will someday forgive yourself, because you are the strongest force that I've ever felt inside of me. _And thank you _for the beautiful twelve that you have given me.

And now I'm lost, but I'll find my way, I promise I will.

Lost. Lost in you.

And I travel you.

**AN: Well, that was particularly fun. How are you all tonight?And so, whaatt did you think?**

**Thanks!**


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